Are you fed up with feeling like everyone is better than you?
Isn’t is about time you allowed yourself to be confident and influential with your peers?
In this article I wanted to explore that moment when our own confidence goes through the floor when interacting with certain types of people socially and professionally and what can be done to overcome the impact of poor self-esteem getting in the way of what we need for us to be at our best.
If you feel that you are better than everyone else then DO NOT read this article!
Seriously, this article is for people who are not confident within themselves and who see everyone else as better than them…..
Are you a ‘People Pleaser’?
It is an interesting phrase isn’t it? For me, the phrase implies that a people pleaser is someone who cares about everybody and is generous and kind. Let us just unpack that a little…
People Pleaser
Key Behaviours:
Does caring acts,
Generous.
Kindly with people.
Motivation of a People Pleaser?
Unknown
We all probably have a version of a definition of a people pleaser in our minds and it is most likely going to be informed by the behaviour that we observe from the individual who we are judging to be a people pleaser. It is, however, unlikely that we will really know what that person’s motivation in being a ‘people pleaser’ is.
Our definition of this phrase will then be affected by our assumption of what we think the behaviour is all about i.e someone does something so therefore in our minds we interpret the action in our own way based upon our own experiences, thoughts, feelings and emotional landscape.
If you describe yourself as a ‘people pleaser’ have you taken some time to understand why you show people pleasing behaviour?
This article is specifically written for people who demonstrate ‘people pleasing’ behaviour motivated by:
A need for acceptance from peers,
A self-view that everyone is better than them,
Social anxiety and not being able to ‘read’ what people think about them.
Over the years, I have had clients who describe themselves as ‘people pleasers’ and when they use that phrase, something happens to their voice. It sounds a little embarrassed to ‘admit’ it. They are all lovely people and everyone likes them because they are so nice, but their people pleasing behaviour is based in insecurity and poor self-esteem. There will be many reasons why they might feel insecure and have poor self-esteem but what links all of them is a view that everyone is ‘better’ than them.
‘Better than them’?
Many of my clients will know that I jump onto phrases that sound ambiguous and using the phrase ‘better than them’ is one of those phrases unless there is evidence to back it up. At school, maybe this is easier to say:
“My mate Dave got an A* in maths and I got a B. Dave is better than me at maths.”
“Sarah got picked for the college football team but I didn’t. She is so much better than me at football.”
In the workplace we may say something like:
“Abigail got the sales person of the year award because she smashed her targets. She is so much better than me at sales.”
Whatever you think about ‘evidence’ in the above context, it can be useful to set ourselves goals to work towards improving skills and yes there will always be people who are ‘better than us’ at something but I am not talking about the phrase in this context.
I am talking about ‘Better than them’ being the assumption of the client before they even meet a person. They make an assumption that a person that they are going to meet is automatically better than them based on absolutely no evidence. It is essentially a state of mind that they put themselves in regardless of who the other person turns out to be. They become the ‘child’ to the other person’s ‘adult’ rather than view them as an equal.
When one automatically puts other people ‘on a pedestal’ rather than take the view that they are equal to the other person, then there is scope for the person on the pedestal to take advantage. There is a power shift that ultimately results in the individual with poor self-esteem feeling disempowered. It knocks their confidence and they will find it difficult to get what they need to be at their best in that relationship but might find themselves giving up excessive levels of time, effort and emotion that benefit the other person, especially if the other person finds it easy to be able to say what they need.
The extreme of this scenario is when individuals experience abuse and feel disempowered to get out of the abusive relationship, but we all exhibit some kind of people pleasing behaviour with someone whereby we experience a net loss in getting what we need.
Does this resonate with you?
If what I have written resonates with you, and you know that the people pleasing behaviour that you demonstrate comes from a place of insecurity, then I would like to encourage you to consider three questions about yourself when you find yourself demonstrating that people pleasing behaviour. It is in asking these questions to yourself that you can start to move from a place of insecurity in relationships to one of empowerment and confidence so that you and the other person find relationships healthy and edifying rather than destroying.
Three questions to help you to build better relationships.
In the presence of this person, what am I feeling right now in terms of my self-esteem?
What am I reacting to that is making me feel insecure?
What do I need in this relationship in order for me to feel like an equal with this other person and have a healthy relationship that is a win:win for both of us?
By regularly asking these questions you will start to become more self aware of what drives your behaviour and then with that knowledge you can start to make micro changes in your life that will put you on the path of feeling more confident and empowered.
If you know all this, but feel totally unable to put it in action, and this troubles you then click the button below to book a meeting with me to have a chat about turning this around because this is what I do with my clients as a therapist.
#HopeWithHicks